glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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