I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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