what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
