Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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