the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You left your phone here
Wait...
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