i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.