So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
