Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
