if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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