I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
