you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
