I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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