If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.