I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can't talk, ducks in the car