If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
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You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius