he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.