You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.