Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
