Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
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Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.