Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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