Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
