My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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