Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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