I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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