We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek