Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.