i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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