I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
