At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
