My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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