ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
