I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
