No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
