the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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