i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
