i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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