I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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