he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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