The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
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You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.