at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.