his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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