so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i will never coherently bang her
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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