All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
