They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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