Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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