I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult