my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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