Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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