im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
