a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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