gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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