I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Oh god it's open bar.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
