WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.