im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.