he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.