So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.