yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now