I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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