I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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